I really regretted my actions.... How I wish I could turn back time and do things differently... *sob sob*... But it wasn't possible. I felt totally like crap then.. sad that the relationship was over, that we were "not steady" anymore, and on the other hand utterly disgusted with myself for how I had caused things to turn out this way. There and then, I felt like digging a hole and hiding my face inside forever! =(
It took me a whole year to stop hating myself over this issue. The first three months after the breakup was tormentous. The breakup kept haunting my mind then, and I tried all ways to make myself stop thinking about it.. you name it, I probably would have tried it before. I tried hiding myself at home and wallow in my hatred-sadness concoction, but it didn't work as I got so bored at home. I tried to work long hours during my part time job so as to numb my emotions, but it didn't work as I almost got overexhausted. I wanted to try smoking to lighten my burden, but I didn't dare as I simply couldn't stand the smell even of second hand smoke.
As I look back now, this incident would go down as the most regretful moment of my life. Because of the hurts and emotional rollercoaster I had put the poor girl through.. all because I had let emotions overrun my brains and just wanted a companion when I wasn't ready or understood anything about commitment in a real relationship! Today, I am a youth worker and have counselled many youths in this area of relationships or "going steady". And 100% of the time, my response to them is that they SHOULD NOT go steady at such young age because of the lack of maturity in handling emotions and commitment. Some heeded my advice and are growing well in developing healthy friendships amongst one another. Other chose to go their own way, and almost all of them are going through what I went through last time.
I don't proclaim that I am an expert advisor in the area of relationship. But I do admit that in this area, I have walked a journey ahead of most of them and learnt my lessons. You may not trust my theories or tall talks... But trust my life experiences and invaluable lessons learnt. :)
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Finally one day, I received her letter and I opened it with fear and trembling. A trickle of tear rolled down my cheek and dripped onto the letter. I cried not because she had agreed to the break up... I cried because I was so upset with myself for causing her so much pain and anguish.
The past few weeks of on-and-off quarrelling, coupled with my "bo-chup" attitude caused her to be very confused too. My insensitivity and frustration towards her constantly made her think if she had done anything wrong and she was always evaluating herself to adjust to me and make this relationship work out. The harder she tried, the more it didn't work out as I continued to with my non-chalent attitude. She went through alot of mixed feelings .. love, anger, pain, sorrow, joy.... Like having gone through a emotional rollercoaster!
And so it was pronounced over after receiving this letter. Uniquely and silly how this relationship started, it also ended in a bizzare manner. This incident left me literally hating myself for the next one year! But it also made me take a step back to reflect on this whole incident. I was angry at myself for my own selfishness - wanting to go into relationship to seek companionship for myself rather than a real commitment. I was ashamed at myself for making my ex-girlfriend so through so much pain and heartache. Things wouldn't have resulted this way if I had not jumped into this relationship in the first place.
What if...?? What if....??? What if...???? What if things could be like before, it would be great. I really regretted my actions.... How I wish I could turn back time and do things differently... *sob sob*... (to be continued)
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... And it seemed that our whole world revolves around the two of us only! But soon, things began to change, and it was all my fault. I began yearning to have my own personal space and freedom, which had been cut down alot ever since I "went steady" with her. I felt like Tweety Bird in the cage, desiring to get out of the cage and gain back the freedom I used to have! I just wished I could do anything that I wanted without having to constantly update anyone.. I began feeling that this relationship was an extra load.. I felt being held back.. I was beginning to regret my decision on "going steady"...
With all these thoughts rambling in my mind, I began my withdrawel syndrome on this relationship. Each time we went out, I would show the non-chalent attitude. I grew frustrated easily and that resulted in frequent quarrels too which ended up in cold wars. All I was thinking then was that I wanted my freedom back. Many times we would quarrel and after that we would patch back. But each time I became more and more emotional drained out.. I want to call it quits soon... I can't take it any longer.. ARGH!!!!
After weeks of on-and-off quarrelling, I decided that I wanted to break up... BUT I didn't have the courage to tell her face to face. So I chose the most cowardly, unconventional and TV-Drama way... I wrote her a letter to initiate the break up. At the moment I posted the letter, I was so angry with myself for being so cowardly.
And for the next one week, I lived my life with shame, guilt and anguish written all over my face. Finally one day, I received her letter and I opened it with fear and trembling. A trickle of tear rolled down my cheek and dripped onto the letter.... (to be continued)
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A week later, I decided to pluck up my mousy courage and to ask her to "go steady" with me. I still remembered that whole day I felt like I was having butterflies in my stomach, totally nervous! Then the moment came.. I sat down opposite her in MacDonalds and told her..... "The french fries quite nice hor??"
Diaoz! Oh my gosh! I fumbled at the last moment.. Somehow I just couldn't muster the courage up to ask her the bombshell question! My self esteem then was like humpty dumpty falling down from the wall, shattered into pieces and my face was flushing red like a baboon's butt! Argh! Couldn't have felt anymore lousy and embarrassed.. At that instant, I totally bo-chup already.. this was "do-or-die" mission time, so I decided to throw aside all my pride and just go ahead to pop the question. Within a split second, I just muttered quickly, "Errm.... So, can we be together?"
What happened next seemed like eternity man... There was a long pause, then she just said "Huh?" ... I was totally stunned and my facial expression was stoned. But after that she smiled and laughed... A huge relieve overcame me and I smiled back too. We had a good laugh and by mutual understanding, we were "officially steady together". Nothing very dramatic, I had totally B.I.B.O (Blur-In-Blur-Out), but there and then for a 17 year old me, it was the happiest day of my life man! =P
It was honeymoon period for both of us for the next few weeks. We spent more time together studying for A-levels, went out to watch movies.. and it seemed that our whole world revolves around the two of us only!
But soon, things began to change, and it was all my fault........ (to be continued)
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(continued from previous post) .... I "went steady" with my first girlfriend at 17 years old, and I must confess, that really was out of companionship sake. I still remember it was during the preparation for A-levels examination days. It started out with a bunch of classmates studying together at MacDonalds. Gradually, the studying group got smaller and smaller, leaving just me and her on most days. We continued studying together, shared french fries for lunch and dinner, and during our study breaks we would share about our lives and laugh together. As the days go by, I would take bus and send her home daily, even though the bus doesn't even pass by my house!
As weeks went by, our friendship drew closer with all the times we spent together. In my heart, I felt I was on cloud nine... whenever I am with her, I would feel happy and it felt really good to have someone talk to you and whom you could talk to too. It seemed that we both had a lot of things in common. We had similar interests, similar outlook of life, similar family situations, and there was just so many things we could talk, laugh and share about together.
Soon questions start popping into my mind... "Was I in LOVE??", "We have so much things in common, were we meant for each other??", "Should I go steady with her?", "How should I go about asking her to be my girlfriend??"... The more I thought of these questions, my heart was beating faster and faster.... And with each passing day, the more time I spent with her, the more I felt drawn and attracted to her. It was hard to express how I feel.. Confused, but yet also delighting and sensational feeling... *strange & puzzled*
A week later, I decided to pluck up my mousy courage and to ask her to "go steady" with me. I still remembered that whole day I felt like I was having butterflies in my stomach, totally nervous! Then the moment came.. I sat down opposite her in MacDonalds and told her..... (to be continued)
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Recently I have been hearing news of youths going into relationships.. in the youth lingo, it means "Get Attached". And amongst these youths, the youngest amongst them is only Secondary 1! It really boggles my mind alot, espacially when I see these young couples on the streets, cuddling and getting overly up-close and behaving intimately together! Now, what do they understand about relationships and love at such a young age? Why get attached so early?
Call me old-fashion if you like, but seriously think about it... There are concerns and dangers when youths get attached at such a young age. Firstly, there is the dilution in understanding the meaning of love... youths get attached more out of companionship rather than true committed love. I have counselled enough cases to know that none of these relationships ever last more than a few months.. after a while these young couples start getting "sian" and constrained by the relationship and they break up because they prefer to have freedom now. Now, that's getting attached for companionship sake!
I got attached with my first girlfriend at 17 years old, and I must confess, that really was out of companionship sake. I still remember it was during the preparation for A-levels examination days....... (to be continued)
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