[Disclaimer: This post has been rated PG by the author. In any case if you are stumbled, responsibility will not be borne by the author]
... (Continued from previous post)... Do you think I still struggle with watching Internet Pornography since that day? Well honestly, I still struggled for a good whole two years before I entirely broke free from the chains of Internet Pornography. However during those two years, it wasn't easy and there were many relapses along the way.
Sometimes I stayed free for almost an entire month, only to fall back again because of a moment of folly and dabbling 5 minutes longer on the Internet which extended to an additional hour of pornographic website surfing.
But during those two years, there were some important steps which I learnt and took that kept me on track and not give up in this battle.
1. I kept myself strictly accountable to my parents and also a trustworthy group of friends. Now, you must be thinking that I am crazy by being so harsh on myself. But truth is this, that was how badly I wanted to get out of this addiction. Till a point I wasn't afraid of 'losing face' by confessing to people around me whom I felt could help me. Looking back, this step was really important because constantly there were people whom would spot check on me and even when I had relapse, they would encourage and help me rather than condemn me.
2. I shifted my computer into the living room. Trust me.. even when I felt tempted to watch pornography, there was no way I could do it with my parents watching primetime Channel 8 drama series behind me!
3. I threw away almost $100 worth of FHM magazines. Gosh, these were like my 'precious' collection bought with my savings. But yet I also knew that these were like little temptations which would drive me towards watching pornography. So I decided to take the extreme measure of tearing them apart and throwing them down the rubbish chute!
4. I also decided to rejoin my group friends whom played soccer daily after school and on Saturdays as well. I made effort to visit my grandparents on Sundays with my parents as well. All these real life activities helped me to keep my mind away from doing my own "research" projects on the Internet. Exercising also helps to relieve myself from the sudden rush of urge and desire to go on the Internet.
5. I NEVER gave up trying! Basically I came to a point of understanding that pornography has a serious impact on me and my future. I really want to have a healthy mindset of sex and sexuality rather than be distorted by what is shown in all those perverse websites which shows human beings behaving like animals! I don't want to be like an animal! ARGH!!!
Many of you as you read my testimony of overcoming Internet pornography may feel that certain steps that I took were really extreme and that you may not be able to do it. Trust me.. you can, but you can't do it on your own. Learn to put down your pride and humble yourself to ask for help from close, good people around you. They can be your parents, your teachers, church leaders or pastors. Raise your hands and seek for help.
3 Basic Tips to share and encourage all of us:
Desire - Having understand the consequence of pornography. You need to desire that you want to break free from it. It all boils down to how badly you want to get out of it.
Decision - You have to come to a point of making a firm stand that no matter how hard it will be, you decide you want to change. Do not procrastinate on your decision. Do not look back at the decision you made.
Determination - It will not be easy along the way. There will be times where you may relapse and fall back. Or tempting obstacles that will entice you to go back the old ways. Be very determined. Determine from the very beginning that you do not want to slide back the old ways again!
PS: Till date, I have been "Porn-Free" for the past 5 years. If I can do it, so can you!
Read more on this article...
[Disclaimer: This post has been rated PG by the author. In any case if you are stumbled, responsibility will not be borne by the author]
... (Continued from previous post)... Since that day of confession, a cold war broke out between me and my parents. We never talked and I could sense the tinge of disgust and disappointment at home with my parents. And this hopeless situation lingered on for almost a month, until one day when my parents asked me this question... "Are you very sure about kicking this sickening addiction?"
"YES! YES! I really need help! I am so sick and tired of falling in and out of this issue! I need help! Please do anything to help me!"
With tears welling in my eyes, my parents were truly convinced that I was really serious about getting rid of my lustful dirty little habit.
"Ok, we believe you. From now on, you must follow the rules that we set out for you.
Number 1: Move your computer into the living room.
Number 2: You can only use the computer when we are at home.
Number 3: You must allow us to conduct spotchecks on you when you are alone at home.
If you are serious about kicking the habit, do you agree to these rules?"
Honestly, for a good whole 10 seconds, I was dumbfounded by these rules that my parents set out for me. They seem so torturous and rigid! But I realized that if I was really serious about it, then it would call for me to take on these drastic measures which my parents set out for me.
"Ok. I agree to follow these rules.... sniff sniff..."
The subsequent weeks and months after I made this pact with my parents, life went on a roller coaster journey... but definitely for a good purpose. There were times when I was alone and home, and suddenly the phone would ring and my mum would be shouting from the other end of the phone line...
"What are you doing at home? Are you looking at those dirty websites???"
Since that defining confession moment to my parents, life has never been the same again.
Do you think I still struggle with watching internet pornography since that day?
Stay tuned for my final concluding episode .......
Read more on this article...
[Disclaimer: This post has been rated PG by the author. In any case if you are stumbled, responsibility will not be borne by the author]
... (Continued from previous post) ... I felt utterly digraceful about myself on this dirty little secret that finally one day I decided to put a foot down and told myself that I had to stop watching pornography, else it would destroy my future! The first thing that I did was to confess and share this struggle I had with...... MY PARENTS!!!
Yes, I know this must sound really stupid to confess to my parents, but I was really at my wits' end. Most of my friends were also sucked into pornography addiction, thus seeking help from them wasn't going to be of much help as well. (PS: We may just end up watching together!) I had come to a point where i felt so sick and tired of myself that I even contemplated the thought of castrating myself, hoping that it would end my hormones and testerone drive!
Enough was enough, I might as well face the music. If I was really serious about kicking this addiction, I really needed to take radical and extreme steps to intervene. Though it would be really shameful to confess to my parents, but there was no better way. Rather bear the expected brunt of scoldings and persecutions from my parents for the moment, than live in a lifetime of secrecy, darkness, guilt and shame.
Plucking up my courage on a Sunday morning, I gingerly approached my parents during breakfast....
EeJay: Mum and Dad, I have something to tell you both. I really need help in this area.
Dad: Uh-huh? *Sipping at his cup of coffee*
Mum: What is it? Studies? Not enough pocket money? *munching away at her strawberry jam-filled bread*
EeJay: Errrmmmm....... I have been watching pornographic websites for a long time and I just cannot stop. I really want to and I need help. Can you both help me?
*Coffee cups and breads laid down. Long silence and hard stares from my parents*
Mum & Dad blasting out together: WHAT?!?! Who taught you to be so dirty-minded? Since when did you learn to be such a pervert? You are so disgusting! These things are so bad and you still watch?! What's wrong with you?!?!?
EeJay (filled with shame and close to tears): But but but... I know it's wrong and I want to change. I need help.... sniff sniff...
Mum & Dad blasting back: SHUT UP!
Honestly, I couldn't really remember what they said after that because I was totally shattered at the way the reacted. It's understandable though. I felt really stupid.. thinking that I had made a brave and good decision by confessing, but it all turned out to be a nightmare! I wished I hadn't shared it with my parents. Me and my big mouth!
Since that day of confession, a cold war broke out between me and my parents. We never talked and I could sense the tinge of disgust and disappointment at home with my parents. And this hopeless situation lingered on for almost a month, until one day........ (to be continued)....
Read more on this article...
[Disclaimer: This post has been rated PG by the author. In any case if you are stumbled, responsibility will not be borne by the author]
... (continued from previous post).... Soon, with my eyes glued to the screen, I placed one hand down, and almost instantly followed by the other. My head drew nearer to the screen to have a closer look. Before long, I was scrolling through the website, looking at every single picture and subsequently venturing further through clicking on hyperlinks which led me to more "exotic" websites.
This first lustful adventure lasted for 2 hours and I felt totally exhausted and blurry eyes afterwards. My mind was spinning and all I could think of then were the tonnes of pornographic images which I have rumaged through the last couple of hours. I felt totally dysfunctional and wasn't in the right frame of mind.
Little did I know that what started out as a curious beginning led to my indefinite downfall of pornographic "addiction" for the next decade. Not only was I constantly haunted by guilt and shame, but I had also compromised my relationship with my parents and friends. My views about the opposite gender were also distorted because the only perspective I have of women then would be those from the "dirty" websites that I had visited. Each time I try to related or talk normally to the female friends around me, the exotic images would just float up in my mind out of nothing!
The "addiction" was not only killing me softly from the inside out, but also affecting the people around me as relationships became more tensed and strained.
It was only in my army days that I decided to wake up my idea. I felt utterly digraceful about myself on this dirty little secret that finally one day I decided to put a foot down and told myself that I had to stop watching pornography, else it would destroy my future!
The first thing that I did was to confess and share this struggle I had with ....... (to be continued)....
Read more on this article...
[Disclaimer: This post has been rated PG by the author. In any case if you are stumbled, responsibility will not be borne by the author]
... (continued from previous post)..... "So can you please tell me the websites that you visited so I can research about it? I really treat you as a good friend and don't wish to see you sink deeper into this digusting and perverted addiction. We are buddies, let's go through this together! 有福同享，有难同当!!"
Stupidly and naively, I scribbled down the website on a rough paper. After putting down the phone, it was time to get down to my 'research' so as to help my buddy.
It was a warm Saturday afternoon and nobody was in the house. My parents had gone out to visit my grandparents and I had the whole home to myself. Fearfully, I settled myself in front of my computer, logged onto the Internet and braced myself for what lies ahead in the unchartered realm of the cyber world.
Scrolling the mouse over to the Internet address bar, I keyed in the web address which my buddy gave to me... *typing gingerly* .... "http://www.xxxxxxxxxxxxx.com" (website removed by author's censorship board) and punched on the "ENTER" button on my keyboard.
Functioning from a 'high tech' 56K modem, I starred blankly at the screen as the webpage began to load. My mind was in a total state of confusion then.. excited on what would be shown on the screen, yet fearful about it too. As the 56K modem processed the data, the web page began on load slowly and unveil the truth that lies beyond.
*Image of the same black screen with the picture of a nude woman I had seen a few weks ago began to flashback in my mind at that moment*
The moment the picture loaded on the web page (enough to expose the nudity), I quickly covered my entire face with my both hands, letting out a slight yeeks upon catching a glimpse of the image again.
After a good 1 minute of hiding, I began to open up my hands and peered at the screen between my fingers. Soon, with my eyes glued to the screen, I placed one hand down, and almost instantly followed by the other. My head drew nearer to the screen to have a closer look..... (to be continued)....
Read more on this article...
[Disclaimer: This post has been rated PG by the author. In any case if you are stumbled, responsibility will not be borne by the author]
... (continued from previous post).... There and then, my hand scrolled on the mouse and clicked on the search engine....
"NO!!! I can't do this! This is not right and so utterly disgusting! How can I be such a pervert?!?!"
Jumping off my chair, I huddled on the end of my bed and buried my face in the pillow in shame and guilt.
For the next few days in school, I was facing two fierce battles within me.
1. I hated and was digusted with my friend for watching those dirty websites. I just cannot swallow down the fact that he does such things! I mean... he has always been a nice guy... how did he turn out like that??? *the word PERVERT slides across my mind*
2. That split second image of the naked woman still haunt my mind. It seems that the more I don't want to think of it, the image become a stubborn stain that refuse to leave. I need a brain transplant!
Suddenly, a seemingly righteous inspiration struck me! A true friend never give up on one another but will help each other through crisis. Since my good friend is caught up with this dirty little secret of pornography, the very least I could do would be to help him and stand by him through this rough journey. And so I decided that I must help my friend..... But HOW?!?!?
In order to help my friend out from his pornography addiction, I decided that I myself need to do up some "research" and find out what really is pornography all about! I thought to myself.... I need to experience it so that I can help my friend! (Yes, silly, stupid and naive thought then...:O)
I braced myself up for this intimidating path ahead, boosted only by the fact that I must save my poor friend from the slavery clutches of pornography. I picked up the phone can dialled his number..
... ring ring..... ring ring..... "Hello bro? Hey, I just want to tell you that I am still disgusted with you for your dark secret. But I am not giving up on you, and in fact I want to help you. So can you please tell me the websites that you visited so I can research about it?"...... (to be continued)....
Read more on this article...
[Disclaimer: This post has been rated PG by the author. In any case if you are stumbled, responsibility will not be borne by the author]
... (continued from previous post)..... To my surprise, I let off a shrek, "ARRRGGGGHHHHH!!!! YOU DIGUSTING PIG! YOU ARE SUCH A PERVERT! I DON'T WANT TO FRIEND YOU ANYMORE!!!!"
Displayed before me on the computer screen turned out to be a picture of a woman naked without any clothes on. Within that split second, I had sprang out from the chair and ran towards the door. With both my hands covering my eyes, I kept hurling those accusing remarks at my so-called good friend.
Huffing, puffing and totally shaken, I left my friend's house almost in tears and totally flabbergasted at what he had shown me. As I sat in the SBS bus on my way home, mixed feeling started to well up from within me.
Frustration.... Anger..... Digusted. Strangely, amidst of all these highly charged emotions, the image which I had only seen for a split second kept coming back into my mind.
The black background with the picture of the naked woman in the middle of the web page.
Yucks! I literally had to slap myself awake in the bus as my mind on and off drifted back into that dirty minded image. And through that whole day, the image keeps popping back into my mind again and again, despite my frantic attempt to intentionally not think about it. But it was of no help... it just stayed rooted in my brain! I felt really dirty, really shameful and really guilty ..... But I just can't seem to erase the image off my mind.. I wish I could change a new brain!
That night as I sat in front of my computer surfing the Internet, the mental image popped into my mind again. There and then, my hand scrolled on the mouse and clicked on the search engine..... (to be continued)
Read more on this article...
[Disclaimer: This post has been rated PG by the author. In any case if you are stumbled, responsibility will not be borne by the author]
I still remembered vividly it was 13 years ago when I had my first exposure to pornography. Back then, computer were still in their 386 or 486 processor systems and Internet was still a relatively new age technology which many still have not gotten into. There was no MapleStory nor World of Warcraft then.... Neither was there Broadband, as we were still running on 56K modem dial-ups.
The word "Pornography" was considered a taboo and bad word in those days, and I would sometimes overhear my guy friends in class talk about these "interesting things" which they see on the Internet. It didn't strike any interesting in me and neither was I interested to find out more... I rather spend my time and energy then playing the "Championship Manager" game where I would be controlling players like Ryan Giggs and Robbie Fowler!
Terror struck on one faithful Saturday after a morning soccer game. I went up to my good friend's house to catch a shower and upon stepping out of the bathroom, my friend called out to me.... "Hey EeJay! Come come! Let me show you something really cool!"
I was really excited there and then, wondering which new player in the game that my friend may have bought at a cheap transfer fee, or whether he had discovered a new player with great statistics. Estatically, I rushed over in my fluffy semi-dried hair and sat down in front of the computer screen.... "Come on man! Show me what you've got! Show me what new discovery you have found!"
My good friend for the past 3 years scrolled the mouse and clicked to open up a window, with the web page slowing loading from the slow 56K modem. I still remembered that the web page had a black background and as it slowly loaded, a picture began to slowly be revealed in the middle of the page.
To my surprise, I let off a shrek..... ARRRGGHHHHH!!!!!!!! (to be continued)
Read more on this article...