My friend immediately blurted out back at me... "EeJay... You are a COWARD! Why are you getting so depressed just because a girl rejected you? Come on! There's more to life than just about BGRs! Wake up your idea lah!!!!"
WOW! I was stunned by my friend's rebuke at me. I was still expecting some sympathy and concern from him upon hearing of my situation. Hoping that my friend would comfort and "sayang" me for the predicament I was in, all I got in return was a harsh scolding instead. I felt unjustified and anger brewing inside me. But the sour and wallowing-in-rejection feeling was too overwhelming in me and I just couldn't be bothered to answer back to my friend. And for the next 1 hour as we chatted, he practically lectured me about moving on from this rejection. Very little got into my head, but definitely a few key statement repeatedly struck me... "MOVE ON LAH!!"... "WAKE UP YOUR IDEA!!!" ... "THERE'S MORE TO LIFE!!"
That night as I laid in bed, I couldn't fall asleep once again. But this time round it was different. It wasn't because I kept thinking about how hurt and rejected I felt. But I was pondering over what my friend had just counselled me in the afternoon. True enough, the past few months of my life have been in a mess because of relationship issue and much of it has to boil down to my immaturity in handling my own emotions and letting my thoughts run wild. I came to a conculsion that night. I wasn't mature enough to enter a relationship yet. Even if I was in one, I wasn't capable of handling it. So for the time being, I am not going to think about going into any relationships, but rather take the time to understand myself better and grow in maturity.
I woke up the next morning with puffy eyes and dark eye rings from lack of sleep. But inside me I could feel a sense of relieve... somehow like a burden being lifted. I won't say that the negative feelings about myself disappeared immediately, but it was a gradual process which took me a few months.
Time may heal the wound, but it doesn't erase away the memories. What's important is to have valuable learning experience from the memories. =)
Next upcoming series: "Chronicles of the Hokkien-Peng: Oei! Why you so like that?!?!"
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Rejected and lonely, I walked towards the Singapore River. Along the way, I bought a bottle of Hooch and just sat down on the steps leading down the river and starred blankly. The sour feeling of rejection was just so hard to bear, and at that moment, even the Hooch tasted like bittergourd juice! Yucks!
I forgot how long I sat there, maybe 2 hours or more. I felt totally lousy about myself. From confidence and self esteem rocketing sky high the day before, I have been hammered to an all-time low. No I just feel like burying my head in the ground and run away from everyone. And run away I did... After a sleepless night and hangover from Hooch, I tendered a transfer the next day at work. I assumed that everyone in my group of friends would have known of my rejection and I wasn't prepared to face anyone of them, espacially the girl whom I liked and rejected me. So I chose the easy way out... I requested for a transfer to another outlet in Suntec City so that I didn't need to face my friends anymore. It was my way of dealing with my emotions... by choosing to run away from reality.
I didn't tell any of my friends of this transfer... I just left quietly and refused to pick up any phonecalls. And for the next one month, I wallowed in self-pity, self-rejection and self-condemnation. To help me get my mind off these thoughts, I diverted all my attention to working. I packed my working hours, from 8am till 10pm daily, even on weekends. Totally no life... not for money, but just to numb my feelings. I was living in self denial.. painful in the heart, but refused to acknowledge or talk to anyone about it, rather I choose to escape by working myself to the ground...
This self-tormenting went on for a month until a week before I was about to enter the army for National Service. I bumped into a secondary school friend whom I have lost touch with for 2 years. We caught up and somehow as we chatted, I shared with him about my rejection incident and how lousy I was feeling.
My friend immediately blurted out back at me... "EeJay... You are a COWARD." ... (to be continued)
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The next morning, even with the sleepless night before, I was still look fresh and bright. I suited up myself nicely with a brand new shirt bought two weeks ago, gel my hair nicely in a "Aaron Kwok" style and went off to work with a glow on my face. I was eager in anticipation... in fact, I could feel the confidence gathering in my stride as I walk. With every gush of wind along Shenton Way, my confidence grew. I could sense "Victory" in my way!
I worked through the whole morning with great joy in me. I believe I could have easily won the best employee for the day award! I was looking forward to lunchtime, where I would get to meet my friends, and assumingly if nothing goes wrong - my new girlfriend too! 1:00PM, and it's lunchtime! I rushed to the restroom, combed up my hair neatly and confidently stroded down to meet my friends for lunch. And there she was, with her usual big bright eyes accompanied by the long flowy hair. My heart was beating faster now... *thump thump thump*
As we were chatting in the group and discussing where to go for lunch, I noticed a moment where she was alone. So I sheepishly sneaked up next to her to talk to her, asking if she had read my little letter to her. Her reply to me was.....
"Yup, I read your letter. Thank you. But actually I like someone else already."
*Sound of glass shattering into ten thousand pieces*
On the outside, I maintained my poise, said an OK and walked away. Deep inside me, I was totally shattered. Unspeakable. I felt as if my heart just shattered onto the floor into millions of pieces and being trampled upon.
Head bowed down, I quietly walked away from my group of friends. Nobody noticed that I had left. It didn't matter to me anymore, I just wanted to be alone. Rejected and lonely, I walked towards the Singapore River..... (to be continued)
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... BUT I didn't have the guts once again. So I did what I do best. During lunchtime one day, I took out a piece of paper and began writing a short letter expressing my "love" towards her and that I hope we can be together as a couple! I kept that piece of paper in my pocket, eagerly awaiting till knock-off time where I could pass it to her on the MRT ride home. My heart was beating 50% fast that day definitely, even when I was working as the cashier, my mind was thinking of what would happen after work that day... I still remembered that in the midst of daydreaming, I got chided by my boss for giving wrong change to a customer! *Diaoz*
Tick tock, Tick tock.... FINALLY! The clock struck 8:00PM and it was time to get off work.. Time for the BIG MOVE! Even though this was not my first time doing such things, but I was feeling super nervous! I kept checking my pocket to make sure the letter is still there... As usual, the group of us met up together after work to take the eastbound MRT back together. I was anticipating for the right moment to pass her my expression-of-love letter.. but it was tough as there wasn't a moment where she was alone where I could get to talk to her. I was getting worried.. Gosh! Am I gonna miss this chance?
Suddenly, there was a glimmer of hope for me. A few of them went to the restroom and apparently just dumped their bags with me (because I was the only guy left who didn't need to use the restroom.. duh!). Smart, witty, silly, desperate... whatever you can name it then.. I made use of this best moment, took out the slip of letter from my pocket and quickly stuff it in her bag! Within a split second, it was done! There was a huge sigh of relieve within me.. I did it!
Things carried on as usual after the toilet break.. we all took the MRT back home and just before I alighted at my station, I stood beside my friend and told her, "Hey, I passed you something. It's inside your bag. Bye!"... and I zipped out of the train quickly just in time before the train door clams on me!
That night as I lay in bed, I couldn't get to sleep.
I was excited and eagerly awaiting to meet up with my friend tommorrow and hear her response to my "proposal"... (to be continued)
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Just when I thought I had learnt a hard lesson from my very first relationship breakup at 17 years old? I was WRONG!!! I tried all ways make myself stop thinking about the breakup and resentful feelings I had, but they all didn't work. Finally, I thought I found my solution....
I was working part time at a fast food restaurant then (not famous one, has since closed down), and there was a couple of my JC friends working at the coffee place one storey below me. We would often take MRT together to and from work, and hang out for drinks after work sometimes. Soon, I begin to find myself taking more notice to one of them. She was a sweet looking girl, long hair and had big round eyes. Each time I chatted with her, or was even just standing next to her, I felt as if my heartbeat doubled! I felt the same old butterflies-in-the-stomach feeling again.. only this time minus the french fries..
Part of me was still nursing the wounded heart from my breakup. But part of me also misses and yearn for the love, care and concern I had felt when I was in a relationship. I wished I was attached once again... but I also wished that I don't want to have those tiring quarrels and squabbles again. I looked at my friend.. and my mind was thinking, "I hope she will be my girlfriend. She seems like a really nice and caring girl."
Overruled by emotions, I didn't care too much anymore... I just longed for and wanted to be with someone.. someone whom would shower me with attention and love. Armed with such a selfish love-seeking missle, I was totally irrational and wanted to take action to approach my friend and pop the question... BUT I didn't have the guts once again. So I did what I do best. During lunchtime one day, I took out a piece of paper and beganing writing..... (to be continued)
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