[Disclaimer: This post has been rated PG by the author. In any case if you are stumbled, responsibility will not be borne by the author]
... (Continued from previous post) ... I felt utterly digraceful about myself on this dirty little secret that finally one day I decided to put a foot down and told myself that I had to stop watching pornography, else it would destroy my future! The first thing that I did was to confess and share this struggle I had with...... MY PARENTS!!!
Yes, I know this must sound really stupid to confess to my parents, but I was really at my wits' end. Most of my friends were also sucked into pornography addiction, thus seeking help from them wasn't going to be of much help as well. (PS: We may just end up watching together!) I had come to a point where i felt so sick and tired of myself that I even contemplated the thought of castrating myself, hoping that it would end my hormones and testerone drive!
Enough was enough, I might as well face the music. If I was really serious about kicking this addiction, I really needed to take radical and extreme steps to intervene. Though it would be really shameful to confess to my parents, but there was no better way. Rather bear the expected brunt of scoldings and persecutions from my parents for the moment, than live in a lifetime of secrecy, darkness, guilt and shame.
Plucking up my courage on a Sunday morning, I gingerly approached my parents during breakfast....
EeJay: Mum and Dad, I have something to tell you both. I really need help in this area.
Dad: Uh-huh? *Sipping at his cup of coffee*
Mum: What is it? Studies? Not enough pocket money? *munching away at her strawberry jam-filled bread*
EeJay: Errrmmmm....... I have been watching pornographic websites for a long time and I just cannot stop. I really want to and I need help. Can you both help me?
*Coffee cups and breads laid down. Long silence and hard stares from my parents*
Mum & Dad blasting out together: WHAT?!?! Who taught you to be so dirty-minded? Since when did you learn to be such a pervert? You are so disgusting! These things are so bad and you still watch?! What's wrong with you?!?!?
EeJay (filled with shame and close to tears): But but but... I know it's wrong and I want to change. I need help.... sniff sniff...
Mum & Dad blasting back: SHUT UP!
Honestly, I couldn't really remember what they said after that because I was totally shattered at the way the reacted. It's understandable though. I felt really stupid.. thinking that I had made a brave and good decision by confessing, but it all turned out to be a nightmare! I wished I hadn't shared it with my parents. Me and my big mouth!
Since that day of confession, a cold war broke out between me and my parents. We never talked and I could sense the tinge of disgust and disappointment at home with my parents. And this hopeless situation lingered on for almost a month, until one day........ (to be continued)....
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1 comments:
Wow. Your parents did not handle that well. I admire you for your bravery and think you did the right thing despite their reaction. Usually the first step to freedom is a willingness to talk about it. It doesn't sound like your parents will be a great help to you in this battle, but the point is you told someone.
Is there anyone else you can talk to about it? A good friend who has had some victory overcoming this? Another "mentor" type figure?
I'm curious: have you heard of the Covenant Eyes accountability program? It is a monitoring program specifically for adults who want to be accountable to others about where they go online.
The Covenant Eyes accountability program simply tracks where you go online. Then each part of each Web page is scored for its content (the scores are based on obscene material). The way it works is you choose 2 or 3 people that you want to receive a detailed “accountability report” of all the places you've been online. These people then receive that report via email or they can access it whenever they want, 24/7 on the Covenant Eyes website. What this does is it allows you complete freedom to go wherever you want online without being blocked, but all the while you know you are being held accountable for where you are going. It takes away the anonymity and secrecy of online activity. This builds self-control online and trust in relationships.
Of course, in your case, the most important thing would be finding someone who coudld receive the reports and have an open, honest conversation with you without condemning you.
Covenant Eyes also has a promotional code you can use to get a free month to try out their accountability service. Go to www.covenanteyes.com and enter promocode 'onefree' to receive a free 30 day trial of the program.
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